conflicts
7 Lessons About Love and Relationships All Men Should Learn Before They Turn 40
Each decade of life brings unique highlights and challenges, especially when it comes to romance.
In your teenage years, you're probably starting to figure out what your relationship to attraction is, but not quite understanding how it all works.
In your 20s, you're figuring out who you are and what you want—and hopefully having fun along the way. When dating, you may prioritize passion and attraction over other factors.
By the time you’re 30, you’ve likely experienced several heartbreaks and life lessons.
"But in your 30s and 40s, there tends to be greater emotional maturity, self-awareness, and priorities such as long-term compatibility and shared values," she says.
However, this may be synonymous with additional stress.
"There's a perceived timeline for making a commitment in a relationship, having children, feeling settled, or even just feeling like you're in a relationship that's going well," says practicing marriage and family therapist Alex Oliver-Gann Si.
Regardless of your relationship status, don't let external expectations influence you, and the best thing you can do is focus on personal growth. Here are seven relationship lessons all men should learn before they turn 40, mental health experts say.
If you want to have a healthy relationship, it's important to communicate these needs directly and regularly. "Don't expect your partner to be a mind reader. Talking about your needs builds intimacy," says Lannette Bedsworth.
Self-awareness and self-acceptance, on the other hand, lead to authentic, fulfilling relationships. "Emotional maturity means acknowledging your flaws, insecurities, and edges for growth without harsh self-judgment. You'll attract partners who appreciate the real you," adds Lannette Bedsworth.
Are life stressors affecting your relationship? Could you and your significant other use help with communication? Learning how to adopt a “we” mentality when pairing can allow you to approach challenges with a solution-oriented mindset.
Oliver-Gans says many men fall into the trap of wanting things to go back to a "lighter" state after an argument, which can hinder repair: "After the argument is over, when you're both in a calmer state, talk about the argument, will help you feel connected and help you resolve conflicts in a productive way.”
Remember, it can be difficult to show empathy when you disagree with someone, but this is the most important time.
"Often men get caught up in the facade of an argument and want to convince their partner that they're right when it's more productive to step back and be curious about what's really going on," says Oliver-Gans.
As Lannette Bedsworth points out, we sometimes repeat dysfunctional patterns learned in our families of origin without even realizing it. Past breakups and disappointments can also have a negative impact on your mindset and behavior when you start dating again.
Whether you're afraid of abandonment or want to protect your independence at the expense of intimacy, unraveling your past with the help of a therapist may be the best thing you do before you turn 40.
Unfortunately, they can cause conflict to escalate and destroy the trust and connection between you and your partner. Oliver-Gans says it's important to learn to control these reactions rather than giving in to the urges that arise when you reach this point.
You don’t suddenly reach a point of complete enlightenment when you blow out the candles on your 40th birthday cake. Relationships provide opportunities for continued growth at any stage of your life, and there is always more to learn. But if you embrace the lessons above, you'll have the power to cultivate healthy, rewarding relationships at any age.
In your teenage years, you're probably starting to figure out what your relationship to attraction is, but not quite understanding how it all works.
In your 20s, you're figuring out who you are and what you want—and hopefully having fun along the way. When dating, you may prioritize passion and attraction over other factors.
By the time you’re 30, you’ve likely experienced several heartbreaks and life lessons.
"But in your 30s and 40s, there tends to be greater emotional maturity, self-awareness, and priorities such as long-term compatibility and shared values," she says.
However, this may be synonymous with additional stress.
"There's a perceived timeline for making a commitment in a relationship, having children, feeling settled, or even just feeling like you're in a relationship that's going well," says practicing marriage and family therapist Alex Oliver-Gann Si.
Regardless of your relationship status, don't let external expectations influence you, and the best thing you can do is focus on personal growth. Here are seven relationship lessons all men should learn before they turn 40, mental health experts say.
1. Identify And Express Your Emotional Needs
Identifying and expressing your emotional needs is an important skill to master before turning 40. This can be something specific, like realizing you need a little alone time after a long day at work before connecting with your partner, or it can look like understanding what your boundaries are and what makes you feel loved and appreciated.If you want to have a healthy relationship, it's important to communicate these needs directly and regularly. "Don't expect your partner to be a mind reader. Talking about your needs builds intimacy," says Lannette Bedsworth.
2. Increase Self-Awareness And Self-Acceptance
Understanding and accepting yourself is another important relationship lesson to learn before turning 40. Trying to please or suppressing your personality to gain love and approval can lead to heartbreak.Self-awareness and self-acceptance, on the other hand, lead to authentic, fulfilling relationships. "Emotional maturity means acknowledging your flaws, insecurities, and edges for growth without harsh self-judgment. You'll attract partners who appreciate the real you," adds Lannette Bedsworth.
3. Adopt a “We” Mentality In Relationships
However, being aware of your thoughts and emotions is only one piece of the puzzle. According to Oliver-Gans, communicating effectively in any relationship also requires you to be more attuned to the bigger picture: your partner, and the relationship as a whole.Are life stressors affecting your relationship? Could you and your significant other use help with communication? Learning how to adopt a “we” mentality when pairing can allow you to approach challenges with a solution-oriented mindset.
4. Figure Out How To Resolve Conflicts
Relationships inevitably bring conflict, and figuring out how to effectively resolve conflict is one of the most important lessons in relationships.Oliver-Gans says many men fall into the trap of wanting things to go back to a "lighter" state after an argument, which can hinder repair: "After the argument is over, when you're both in a calmer state, talk about the argument, will help you feel connected and help you resolve conflicts in a productive way.”
5. Develop Empathy And Learn To Compromise
Relationships require equal give and take. By the time you hit 40, you should have found a delicate balance between prioritizing your own needs and considering others. Develop empathy and learn how to compromise, advises Lanette Bedsworth.Remember, it can be difficult to show empathy when you disagree with someone, but this is the most important time.
"Often men get caught up in the facade of an argument and want to convince their partner that they're right when it's more productive to step back and be curious about what's really going on," says Oliver-Gans.
6. Face Your Past So It Doesn’T Determine Your Future
Additionally, if you have recurring relationship problems, addressing past relationships and any childhood baggage is crucial to avoiding the same problems in the future.As Lannette Bedsworth points out, we sometimes repeat dysfunctional patterns learned in our families of origin without even realizing it. Past breakups and disappointments can also have a negative impact on your mindset and behavior when you start dating again.
Whether you're afraid of abandonment or want to protect your independence at the expense of intimacy, unraveling your past with the help of a therapist may be the best thing you do before you turn 40.
7. Learn How To Regulate Your Emotions
Common patterns include the way you react during emotionally charged moments in your relationship. Maybe you shut down, maybe you lash out, or even feel numb. This is called flooding, a fight-or-flight response that often occurs when you feel overwhelmed.Unfortunately, they can cause conflict to escalate and destroy the trust and connection between you and your partner. Oliver-Gans says it's important to learn to control these reactions rather than giving in to the urges that arise when you reach this point.
You don’t suddenly reach a point of complete enlightenment when you blow out the candles on your 40th birthday cake. Relationships provide opportunities for continued growth at any stage of your life, and there is always more to learn. But if you embrace the lessons above, you'll have the power to cultivate healthy, rewarding relationships at any age.
